Learning to Forgive Myself
An Essay
I have let people in my life so many times. People have walked in and out the doors with broken promises and unfilled prophecies. Space and time is something that I have truly needed for such a long time whether it’s being alone or have been in public I felt the need to separate myself from society and the people I’m around.
I have torn myself apart trying to be this perfect person I have been the perfect type of person I know my parents would not be proud of I know I wouldn’t even be proud of her if she was my friend. When the time came, I’ve learnt to forgive myself I’ve learnt to forgive the fact that I’ve let these people into my life and take control of me and my actions I forgave myself for letting people dominate my thoughts and decisions and I’ve forgiven myself for letting go of every opportunity Because I was scared of someone hating me for it I’ve been jealous of me for it.
From now on, I promise myself to be the type of person I know I want to be. The type of person who is unapologetically honest and clear-minded, the type of woman who knows what she wants and strives for it.
I’ve learnt to find myself within the fields of sunflowers and tulips, to find the beauty behind the flaws I’ve embodied over the years. To understand how to love the overgrown hair, the scars and beauty symbols that have represented adolescence and womanhood over time.
Intimacy no longer comes from long drawn out lovemaking sessions with those who mean nothing, intimacy comes in the comfort of books and nostalgic music. Intimacy comes in the scent of a candle burning through the night and into the morning. Intimacy comes from the reassurance of tomorrow. My deepest connections held no longer from the place between my legs and from the softness of my rough lips, instead, it comes from the beating animal inside my ribs and my chest. Begging to be let out and love freely and wisely.
Although my journey to forgiving and loving myself isn’t over yet, it’s the beginning of a lifelong journey of ups and downs. Like suns and moons, stars and clouds, that’ll come and go each day every year. I’ll learn more, I’ll love more.
And most importantly, I’ll forgive myself more.
